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'Starting Again' after a Relationship Break-up

by Jill Rhodes-Harvey

Starting Again and building Emotional Strength

Starting again and picking up the pieces emotionally is never easy....but,it is important to remember that no matter how painful it is when a relationship ends, we will have grown from this experience and can go on to form further "loving" stable relationships if we allow our natural healing process to take place.

Emotional pain is no different to any other kind of pain or wound, the only difference is that we cannot see emotional pain, we cannot treat it as an open wound as it is buried within us, we are also taught from an early age in most civilised societies that to show our feelings is a sign of weakness, when of course it is the opposite. We have as a rule, no experience of dealing with such situations, we are " emotional virgins" and as such need guidance if we are to prepare ourselves for future relationships.

This is where we learn emotional intelligence, like any other process of learning if we open our hearts and minds we can become graduates of life and how to deal with our emotions...
Everyone has been overtaken by such a process at one time or another, and can attest to what a tortuous and helpless place it is to be. It is almost like a living hell, we become stuck on dwelling why things didn't turn out differently, what was wrong with us, what could we have done, if only my partner had been more loving, etc, etc. If those magical hindsight questions could be answered, then you would not be reading this article, you would still be in your love relationship...so STOP, this is what will hold you back, rid yourself of the " undoable"

The incredible thing is that we sometimes allow or do not know how to remove ourselves from this state of great suffering for years. If we know how to "accept" and deal with the reality of such feelings we can speed the healing process than will enable us to love again without fear, if we do not deal with feelings of anger, frustration, or the ability to trust another partner we will take these negative aspects to the new relationship and risk further pain.
Can you imagine for a moment, that it does not have to be that way? That there is an alternative?
For many, another part of the idea of acceptance is that it is something passive, and that if we accept the situation then we do nothing to change it. Our conventional logic tells us that we can't both accept something and yet want to change something at the same time. But indeed we can.
Part of the misconception regarding acceptance is that there is an unawareness of its meaning. Or more acurately, that it has more than one definition. As it is referenced in lexicon texts, acceptance is primarily equated with approval. While this is a legit way to process the word related to many situations, there is also a crucial distinction to be made.
Accepting something you can not change also has an enormous significance that is separate from the "approval" denotation most often associated with it. We need to look at the word as a homonym of sorts, in recognition of its dual meaning.
The other way we can use and live the word "acceptance" is in the context of linking it to its opposite, "resistance".

It is where we stand within the acceptance-resistance dynamic that will dictate the degree of emotional pain we feel, and for how long.
This other definition of acceptance refers to dropping all resistance to circumstances. Specifically, it means dropping the purposeless behavior of never-ending questioning as to "why did this happen", and to cease endlessly going over every spoken and acted detail of the situation.
Accepting might best be described as a shift in focus. Instead of forever seething in angry thoughts about the dilemma or wishing with all one's heart that things were different, the focus becomes "now that this has happened, what can I do to get back to a normal life?"
Can you see how accepting the situation is not a passive, but an active quality? Whether it is a mental/emotional action or a physical action to change an external situation, action and acceptance correlate positively.
Here is a simple example of an occurrence related to accepting an external situation, yet making the necessary changes to improve it at the same time:
You get a puncture in the middle of nowhere(you have no help) and you are beautifully dressed and already running late for a social gathering.
An attitude of resistance here might be to begin a string of profanities (yes me too) that could wilt the grass around you, and allow your rage to blow up to boiling point. Maybe you'd just sit there, almost in tears of frustration, as you spout over and over "why today of all days!" You might even kick the tire, stand a ball your head off or angrily fling something across the roadway. Then, you begin to find ways to demean yourself for allowing this to happen. "I should have had the tires checked", "Why didn't I do "abc". Your mood sinks to gutter level, and your physical health is affected as you continue to lament over the situation and beat yourself up emotionally. Never beat yourself up emotionally, outside situations take care of that! These thoughts are negative attitude thoughts, and are very damaging.
Your resistance to the situation is the passive thing here. While you are putting all of your energy into denying what is going on, you are wasting time and are not doing anything of value to improve the situation at hand. In fact, you are actually making it all much, much worse. You are overloading your mind, body and spirit with damaging and destructive negative energy, better known as NATS, negative attitude thoughts, and for what? It will not change what already is. The flat tire has happened already!
To be clear, an attitude of acceptance here would not mean skipping about with an ear to ear grin as we change the tire either. When we discover what has occurred, we will no doubt feel distressed about it. But then a shift in thinking kicks in. We can realize that the only reasonable and sane thing to do is to accept the situation that has already happened. After all, how could you ever change what already is? We can practice ridding ourselves of NATS and work on the production of PATS ( positive attitude thoughts)
So, we take action and change the tire. This is how we both accept the situation, and change it for the better. We take action with the attitude of acceptance, meaning there is a sense of calm and composure as we go about what we need to. Of course we'd rather it didn't happen, but we do not waste time and energy endlessly ruminating and fuming over the fact that it did. We do not burden and exhaust ourselves in an unhealthy way emotionally by dwelling upon factors that are unalterable. What could be the value in doing so? It will only only hold us back...
You will only find yourself consumed in long term frustration and anger when you are in resistance. This is your forewarning. In accepting, you are only concentrating on what you need to do to get the job done, and to move forward. Your focus is on what will help to remedy the immediate situation, if a remedy is required. If none is, you simply release the mental energy attached to the situation and move on.

How do you demonstrate acceptance for things beyond routine annoyances or challenges, such as tragedies? Isn't is normal to be extremely upset in these specific cases? Being in a state of acceptance does not at all mean that we can't feel things like sorrow/sadness/grief.
Yet, the quality of such emotions is different from acceptance to resistance. When we are in resistance, our grief feels emotionally like a twisted, tormented energy that devours every fiber of our being. We become disabled by unbearable pain and suffering. This is what occurs when we have not accepted our relationship is over .

Again, I am not speaking about acceptance in these situations, in terms of approval, by accepting the end and dealing with each and every aspect of the frustration and anger, you will grow and leave all bitterness and hatred behind, along with the past, you will be ready to move on and love once more. This does not mean you forget what you had, only that you accept it was part of your life that no longer serves a purpose to help you be the person you are now and for YOU to enjoy that wonderful feeling of love between two people.
Dealing with tragedy in acceptance, we most surely feel the sadness and intense pain, but there is also an underlying sense of comfort and strength. Of a quiet peace and softness, and that we will be okay. The energy underlying everything we think and feel is completely different within these two states of being.
Think about this: Within varying time frames, most of us eventually come to accept the difficult circumstances that have come into our lives anyway. It is often described as "having made peace with ourselves ". When we do so, there is no mistaking that our lives are transformed from pain into peace, we are complete again.
The question then becomes, why do we put ourselves through such torture and self damage before we allow ourselves to reach this point? Because we are human, because without the knowledge of how to deal with emotional pain, just as you learn to read, write, cross the road or learn to become one of the greatest scientists the world has known - emotional intelligence has to be learnt too, so open your mind and learn all you can, it will not only enhance and enrich your life, it will make you a better partner for who ever is fortunate enough to cross paths with you..

Jill Rhodes-Harvey copyright 2005